I rejoice in my Femaleness. I love being a woman. I love my body.

Do Affirmations really work? I have been looking for and finding many fertility affermations. "I love and trust my body". I have to admit that they do make sense. If not anything else they have shed some light on some of the negative thought patterns that I have been stuck in. "I now release my fears about time and age".
I feel as though I am having a similar cycle to the one that I did get pregnant. In the way that I really don't feel in control in any way this cycle. I'm not even sure when to expect ovulation. Generally I know exactly when to expect these things. My app on the I*phone is saying Tuesday but we'll see. I haven't really seen any fertile cervical mucous yet. I haven't even really seen much cervical mucous in general. The spotting seems to have stopped for the time being. It didn't last any longer than 36 hours.
I have my donor in my basement right now doing his thing, bless him, he's just worked two 15 hour days in a row and needs to study for a major exam, not to mention the -15c weather out there tonight and he's here doing this for Angela and I. That in itself reinforces the feelings that he is the right man for this job. We will skip tomorrow and resume on Tuesday because of our day off that day. It is difficult to time things when I am on afternoon shifts and Angela is on days. I can do it by myself if need be but i feel more confident having Angela perform the procedure.
"I now release all my fears and concerns about infertility and I declare myself fertile."

***edited to add...
We just performed the procedure. I feel we may have finally perfected technique. It seems that my cervix is slightly left so once the swimteam is in there, I need to lean onto my left hip to move the puddle of little guys to the opening of the cervix. At risk of sounding gross, much less came back out with the speculum.

I'm really actually lost

Honestly, I haven't been paying that much attention to my cycle this month. I feel really out of touch with my body at this point. My period ended a week ago and Well the ticker says that there are 6 days until ovulation. I am hoping there are less because that would put ovulation at next Thursday and Angela and I are hoping to go away next Friday. Angela will be participating in a poker tournament on Saturday evening. I am having some spotting this cycle, it seems early though. We will go ahead with inseminating starting tonight just in case. Lord only knows what my body is up to this month. So frustrating.

My app says so

My menstrual calendar app is telling me to start inseminating on Friday. My KD has the same app but I fired off a text to him to remind him of the approaching time. It's going to be tricky coordinating this because I work this weekend both days at 7am. He has to run his family business from 9am to midnight each day. we have (I think) elected to begin Friday, skip Saturday and follow through Sunday and will go again Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. I haven't much discussed it with him but know that generally he is alright with weekdays. We might also be able to fit one in on Monday depending on Angela's work schedule and his school times. I am hoping that my minimal weight loss and avoidance of sugar has helped. I bought a new scale yesterday. I even stepped into the age of digital, but when I got it home, I found that someone had pulled a switch-a-roo and put a less expensive make and model scale in the box of the scale I was intending to purchase and I was upset. Angela kindly agreed to take it back for me today.

It is weird though because I am excited to weigh myself. I really have no idea what I've lost so far but it has to be something right.

Two weeks in...

Well today marks 2 weeks into my self challenge of not eating any processed sugars. So far I've managed to do well. It does seem however that every where I look, there is a chocolate calling my name. I have been pretty good at staying below the recommended calorie limit. Today, somehow I managed to go over. At first I felt insanely guilty about it, but then I decided that would only make things worse. I forgive myself. I also realize that the calories I am eating are probably not the healthiest calories and that I could be eating healthier foods, making better choices, but that will come. I am stuck wondering if it matters what kind of calories I take in, this is one thing not discussed or covered by my app. I have decided to purchase a new scale though, mine for sure is not reliable. Just this morning, I hopped on and weighed one amount, and didn't trust the result so I got on a few more times to find the scale reading 5 lbs more. It is one of those scales that you can lean left or right and weigh less or more depending on your goal and your honesty.
I am satisfied thinking I lost 4 lbs even if the scale says I lost more (with no leaning)
things in the land of ttc seem to be the same as usual. Nothing to report. With fear of the jinx, I do have to say that if I conceive this cycle, there is a good chance of the estimated due date being my mom's birthday. Wouldn't that be exciting, what better gift to get than a grandchild you never thought likely. Even better if I have a girl. :)
don't get me wrong, I'll take any child on any date!

Feeling Good.

I have changed a few things that I do in life, and as a result I think I am actually feeling great! It's amazing.
I thought that I would approach this month with a healthy outlook. I have officially been a week without any (added/processed) sugars, and I have started eating better balanced meals more regularly throughout the day. I introduced a vitamin D supplement (1000 iu a day). Also the only "fast food" I have had since my last post is "Sub Way". That is a great accomplishment for me. I did have some popcorn at the movies on Tuesday, but not the whole bag like usual, and also I decided to not eat the "free" kit*kat chocolate bar.
I just feel like I have more energy, I am sleeping better already, and feel like I am in a generally better mood all around. I just feel so positive.
It's nice.
I don't know why I was afraid of this change before. It really isn't that hard. I added an app for weight loss/calorie counting to my new I*phone, and it really is helping. I guess it makes me accountable for what I am eating. Something to blame if I don't lose weight... Something to be proud of if I do.
I believe I have set a healthy goal (1 to 1.5 lbs loss a week), and this app makes it easy to stay within my calorie allotment to support that goal.
now like anything, I suspect that this excitement is probably powered by the early novelty of something new, and will wear off, but At this point, I am doing better than I have in the past.
I just feel good. I wanted to share it.
I am going to have a Reiki treatment before my next scheduled ovulation, so that should help with my energy.

The Wait is over.... again...

I got my period today. I have been having slight spotting for the past two days. (11 and 12 DPO).

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but the last time I actually got pregnant was the month that I had lost 15 lbs, cut out all processed sugars, and not drank any alcohol. Could it really be that is what helped me become pregnant in the end? or is this merely a coincidence?

I am beginning to wonder about progesterone, and again worry about menopause. I am young, I know that, but still, it could happen and if anyone is going to get menopause in their early thirties, it will be me.

I may make an appointment to talk to my doctor to see if there is anything further that we can do to test if my body is doing what it should be doing to make a baby. I will also ask him if my slight spotting for 2 days before my period means I have low progesterone and if this could be the cause of no pregnancies. I have read that low progesterone will cause an unsuitable uterine lining for implantation.

I will not give up on this.
I did build the crib last night, and one day I will have a tiny baby to put in that crib, because I am a good, loving and caring mother.

I took the clients to church today. The chaplain told us to trust in God, for he knows the big picture, and even if we don't understand right now, it will all be right in the end.
Should I trust in God next cycle. Should I forget the pee strips, and just inseminate blindly, when I feel it is time?

This 2WW

This 2ww is not much different than the last few. I keep holding on to hope that every pregnancy is different and some symptoms don't even show up until 6 weeks or so.
I am trying to keep a list of things that I notice so that in my next 2ww, i can either qualify them as actual possible symptoms or as something I have felt in the waiting period when I am not pregnant.
The thing that gets me the most is that my nipples aren't sore. There's no Cheese Grater feeling.. this is what bums me out and makes me think negatively.
The ticker says 5 days to wait for testing but I am actually waiting 7. My AF shouldn't come any later than Jan 19.

Here it is... I hope I can figure this out!

Oh, there is a video!!!

Leave a comment for "Courtney or Melissa" if you want to see a slightly edited version of the video of us drinking the Absinthe. I have seen the video, it does exist.
I'm Not allowed to post it on here. Maybe if enough people want to see it, My darling friends, will send me a blog approved edited version.

Happy New Year! (a little bit late)

Happy New Year!

I had a pretty good Christmas and a pretty good New Year's eve. We visited friends in London. We drank some Absinthe. Anyone ever drink Absinthe?. . 70% alcohol. Lets just say we had a fun night. I have this enormous bruise on my arm. I haven't really any idea where it came from. That is the sign of a fun night.
However, that was my last night like that for a very long time. I will not party like that again until after I have my baby... that could be a long time from now. Lets hope that 2010 brings more luck, and fulfills dreams.

I am back to work this afternoon. I just had 4 days off. It was nice. I have tomorrow off again too.. Should be great.