Monday, January 28, 2013

A little better

I've been feeling a little better lately. I can't honestly say what's changed to help my mood improved. It just has. I'm glad that I didn't start messing with my medications. All of my blood tests came back normal. I also had a neck X-ray because I've been constantly getting a stiff neck/sore shoulder and arm. That was normal too. I don't usually complain about aches and pains etc. I usually just chalk it up to being over weight.
Ange has the flu right now. I woke up at 2 in the morning to someone calling my name. At first I thought that I was hallucinating or dreaming of being in school and my mom calling me in the morning to wake me for school. Then I clued in that it was Ange. I went to find her sitting on the toilet requesting something to throw up into. I felt bad for her but couldn't hang around to offer comfort. I'm just not good at handling the barf.
We've been talking about a second child again. We're thinking that it might be soon time to start to try again. There's been no formal decision as of yet.
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Monday, January 14, 2013

A long over due honest post

A second attempt at this.

I've been M.I.A, I know. I don't even know how to go about this post.
I have been battling depression for as long as I can remember.

I was at my worst my first year of college. I was away from home for the first time in my life, my first boyfriend, my first love,had just broken up with me. I was at a point that certain realizations about myself were scaring me. I had been suffering psychotic depression at this time, auditory and visual hallucinations almost every day. I hid this from everyone around me. They thought I was suffering through a broken heart.
For a brief period before seeking help, I went through a short lived manic episode. I was reckless in many aspects of life, I never felt the need to sleep, and even if I tried, I couldn't. I would want to call friends to go out at 3am to just hang out etc. I won't lie, some of my favorite memories come from that time, mania was fun. Not healthy, but fun. But again came the low. The debilitating depression. I soon sought help. I tried many medications with little effect. I would just stop taking them because they didn't help. There was years of trial and error. My poor poor roommate (maizey's dad) who had to suffer through some of my nasty unstable outbursts etc.
Finally, I was given Prozac. It worked like nothing had ever worked before. I began to feel good. I couldn't believe that this was what I was missing all those years. This was what "normal" people felt like! It was amazing. I remained happy like that for years after.
I had a brief time of postpartum depression after Maizey was born, but it didn't last.

I can't pinpoint a time, or an event, but my depression has returned. It's bad. I am irritable, lacking patience, I ache all over, I can't sleep when I want to, but all other times I want to sleep when I should be doing other things. I lack motivation, I can't concentrate, I'm gaining weight (which in my past I always lost weight with depression), I'm going through a period of presenteeism at work- being there but not getting much done, I have 0 sex drive, all of these things, make life hard, and make me feel week. Just the thought of updating the blog exhausted me. To keep up appearances, go on and on about a great life and how happy I am. Ugh! Draining.
I have started the process of being re-evaluated. I've seen my doctor, I've had blood work. I'm just waiting for results now.
I keep trying to look beyond right now, but have to stop myself. There are things I want, but first I must be healthy. I need to learn to focus on here, right now.
Talking about it helps, but what a burden to others.
I have to say though, Maizey and her utter existence has got me through a lot of darkness.
I'll post as I feel I can.
I'm still following all your blogs. They help me.