Weird coincidence?

I mentioned earlier that I've been having strange emotions surrounding being gay. I haven't really been able to put it into words to explain it. I did talk to a friend who isn't gay about it but she really couldn't understand what I was saying. Just didn't get it. I don't blame her because I didn't really get it either. I mean, it sounded to her like I was questioning my sexuality. I wasn't in any way. I mean, there is no doubt at all that I am so attracted to women and not at all to men. And you know what? That feels good and I'm happy with it. I love women! That's not the issue. The issue seems to be popping up every where. It seems a lot of lesbians are blogging the same issue, and thankfully, I can better understand myself because of it. It's hard to be gay. I'm sure it's easier now than it was before and hopefully in the future it will be just "normal". But right now, in my life, I am finding it hard. People judge based solely on sexual orientation, and that just makes me uncomfortable in my skin. Really, it's none of my business what someone else thinks of me, but still it bothers me. Despite the insight I've gained, I'm still finding it hard to describe where I'm coming from. I would say "I'm not proud" but that's not it either. I mean, I am proud of who I am and what I have and the life I live, but within that pride I envy how much easier it seems for all my women friends with husbands... I mean they don't have to worry about someone assuming they're gay, right? Not usually...
So it's hard. That's the best I got for now.


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Forever coming out

Will I seriously be coming out for the rest of my life?
I've had a substitute manager at work for a while because my actual manager is quite sick and on a medical loa.
Well today my new manager asked me if I'm married. I was caught a little of guard I think. I'm not sure why. It's a perfectly natural question.
I said "sorta, ya"
She laughed and seemed to be looking for a little more explanation of the "sorta".
I said "I'm not legally married, I have a partner, her name is Angela"
Her reaction was comfortingly natural.
I've been having some hmmm... How would I put this... Weird emotions recently. about being gay. I may or may not post further about this at another time... We all know how great I've been at keeping up with the blog.



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Away .... Away.... Away

I'm just taking a little break from packing... 2 down 1 to go for our luggage. I've got Mai and I all packed up... Angela is at work so I don't know what she wants to pack, it won't take long though because I have all her clothes sorted out and stuff.
In about 24 hours we'll be leaving for the airport and then we'll be here....


PORTUGAL !!! Looking forward :)


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Family

My dad and step-mom are back from China to stay! They bought a very nice house in northern Ontario. My favorite vacation destination. The house is right on a lake but is atop of a very steep cliff/hill. They have a machine called an "inclinater" that brings you up and down the hill to the water's edge and the beach house.
Maizey, my good friend Kristin and I went to visit them for the weekend. We also took my Aunt with us. It was such a wonderful time. It was the best time I've had in a long time. It is unfortunate that Angela couldn't get the weekend off work an join us. My dad hasn't really had a chance to spend much time with Maizey due to living in China for the past 6 1/2 years. It was nice to see them together.
We spent a lot of time just hanging around not really doing much. It was so nice. I really have missed my dad and step-mom over the years.




















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A conversation

Aunty K: Maizey, do you want a brother or sister?

Maizey: yes

Aunty K: which one? A brother? Or a sister?

Maizey: a sister.

Half an hour or so later...

Maizey: (to mommy) is it sister time?

Mommy: no Maizey it's not sister time.

Two mins later...

Maizey: now mommy? It's sister time.

Mommy: it takes a long time to make a sister and even then it might be a brother.
What would your sister's name be? What would you call her?

Maizey: Maizey!



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Finally

I am finally sitting down to take the time to write something. I'm not sure where this will head to because my mind is all over the place these days.

Life seems good. I'm enjoying my existence more than I have in a long time. My back pain has vanished, I've lost 11 lbs and I'm feeling good. I have a long way to go as far as weight loss is concerned, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to lose 100 lbs in two months. It took me over 10 years to gain 100 lbs, so I should just concentrate on making healthier and leaner choices and see where it goes.

With the exit of the back pain came the entrance of this weird leg pain in the left leg. Ok pain might be a strong word. It's discomfort most of the time, a mild Charlie horse of sorts. I can deal with it. The nurse practitioner I see wants me to try getting some more magnesium in my diet to see if that helps.

We're counting down the days until our trip to Portugal. It's very exciting for me to finally be visiting Angela's family and friends. I can't wait to see the country she is from. We'll be there for two weeks.

We spent last weekend in Toronto with my best friend. She and her family live in Ottawa, so we met up in Toronto and stayed the weekend in a hotel. She is expecting her second son in October. We spent a day at the zoo and the next at the science centre. We had a great time and our kids played well with one another. I really wish she lived closer and we could see each other more often. We're hoping to make a trip out to Ottawa in September to have a visit.

Maizey has been amazing. She is so funny! I love watching her grow and learn. I could never have fathomed this would ever be my life with a wonderful daughter. I have been counting my blessings every day these days and doing my best to just live every day along side my beautiful family.

Just because things are going well, there has to be something for me to be down about right? Well there is one thing that has been on my mind the last few weeks and I just can't seem to get it out of my head.

Remember two years and then some ago? We had a falling out with a couple of our good friends... Well a while back I got an email from one of them. It wasn't much, just a well wish for my mom during her illness. A "take care" and that's that.
Well I hadn't thought about them in a while and the email sparked something in me. A curiosity. A forlorn feeling. I kinda still miss them. After I received the email, I went back and looked through some old photos. I miss the fun we use to have and the good times. I'm not blind to what caused our falling out, and I completely can see the decline into unhealthy coexistence began and finally the friendship broke. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I still don't believe it could never be fixed, it just wouldn't work. Too many personality clashes etc... Oh I don't want to go there again.. But I'm going to admit right now, that sometimes I wish I could go back and enjoy the fun once again. I do believe that those were the only two people I could ever have those good times with like that, they are irreplaceable in that sense. And that is what miss I guess.
Sure I still have good times with my other good friends.. They are just as fun and memorable and amazing...
But they were important people at a time in life and I guess it's ok for me to miss that, it's ok and I have to remind myself to not feel badly for remembering them. That they were pages in my book.
I can't rewrite those pages just because I get a somber feeling when I recall.
I'm curious to know if those pages are still a part of their books too. Do they ever think of me fondly? A happy memory or a regret. I'm not sure why it matters to me.
C'est le vie I suppose
A few pictures now.























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Oh Em Gee

Ok, so... Shortly after my last post, my back got so much worse! I mean on the pain scale... Friday was a 9.5 all day! I had a Phisio appointment scheduled for 3:30 but decided I couldn't handle the pain until then. I called the office to see if there was anything they could recommend that I do. They got me in at 12:00. I could hardly even walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't sit well either. Everything was in pain. Lucky for me, Angela also had the day off work to drive me around and my mom recently retired from work so she could take maizey for us.
The Phisio just recommended that I do a particular stretch when I could move enough without pain.
I then went to prompt care at the hospital. The pain was excruciating. They did the usual tests - reflexes, spine, wiggle toes, some kind of anal tone thingy (um ya every bit as wonderful as it sounds) and prescribed me some more anti-inflamitories and a few acetaminophen with codeine (t3) to help with the pain and told me to "rest".
Umm ok. So I went home, Ange set up the zero gravity chair in the living room and went to get my prescriptions.
The worst of it came Saturday. All day I was all right. I stayed on my chair, and took my one t3 per 8 hrs... Ok but come bed time! I could barely walk, like I'm talking worse pain than labour! I was about ready to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital! Instead I called the doc on call through our family health network. He laughed at the 1 t3 every 8 hrs suggestion and told me to take 2 every six hrs and to stay off my feet (except to get up to the bathroom) for 4 days at least. He said if the pain continued to be that bad, I would require an MRI. Guess what?
I followed his direction and my back is better now than it has been in 6 months. There is still some minor discomfort and I will continue to see a nurse practitioner until I can be pain free! Yay :)
Life feels like its getting back to normal.
Now when to get back to the ttc process. I'll have to talk to the nurse practitioner about that. I see her Tuesday.
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Put it on hold.

We've put baby making on hold for a while. I'm still having really bad pain in my back. We've decided to try to figure out what's wrong with my back before moving forward with ttc.
I've been seeing a physiotherapist for a few weeks and doing the exercises that he's recommended. Nothing is working.
Ok- so lets use a pain scale to help me describe what's going on.
0 = no pain
10 = the pain I was In during labour.
So I would say that (excluding sleep time)
10% of my time is a 0 on the scale
20-25 % is 6
50% is 7-7.5
10% is 8-8.5
5% is 9-9.5

The pain is in my lower back, my hips, localized to the right, to the left, sometimes it's in my thighs and my calves. So hard to describe and different all the time.

I can't live this way. I don't know how it works, but I think I need to demand an MRI. I'm so frustrated about this. I just want to feel good.
So, ya. Adding a pregnancy or caring for an infant to this probably wouldn't be too good.


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Nope...

Needless to say, I got my period on Friday. 3 days early too! What the? It hasn't come early in over a year! Geeze!



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10 down 4 to go

Maizey hasn't been feeling well the last couple of days. She has a cold. I have it too. Needless to say, when she requested muffins today, I jumped right on it. She and I made our favorite "sunshine" muffins. They are easy. You do most of it in the blender. Basically it's an orange muffin. I just wish she could grasp the concept that they're too hot to eat immediately. She hasn't been eating well since she has been sick. Today is 10 DPO. I have to say I'm neither here nor there with "feeling" pregnant. This makes me lean more to the thought that I'm not. I mean, previously, I just kinda knew that I was. I was so hopeful this time. Oh how nice it would be to have it work on the first try. Oh well. I probably won't test early. I don't even have a test in the house. I'll just wait until Tuesday to see if goo old af shows by then. I mean unless my "feelings" change.

I have a secret ...

I have a secret... I've been debating whether or not to share it.
Ok.. I'm going to let it out here..but if you know me IRL don't talk about it ok. It's something I don't want most people to know yet.
We've begun to TTC#2. Known donor again. It's 1 DPOish today and we've done the deed both Monday and Tuesday. I think I got a positive OPK (although not as definately positive as when maiz was conceived), and had the other signs like the fertile CM and the ov pains. But am not feeling very optimistic.
I guess all we can do is wait and see.
What do you think of this opk result?



Monday



Tuesday

In other news, Ange may finally get a full time position at her job. This is the one she loves and will be able to quit the other one if she was to get full time!

Dancing Shoes

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