Monday, January 14, 2013

A long over due honest post

A second attempt at this.

I've been M.I.A, I know. I don't even know how to go about this post.
I have been battling depression for as long as I can remember.

I was at my worst my first year of college. I was away from home for the first time in my life, my first boyfriend, my first love,had just broken up with me. I was at a point that certain realizations about myself were scaring me. I had been suffering psychotic depression at this time, auditory and visual hallucinations almost every day. I hid this from everyone around me. They thought I was suffering through a broken heart.
For a brief period before seeking help, I went through a short lived manic episode. I was reckless in many aspects of life, I never felt the need to sleep, and even if I tried, I couldn't. I would want to call friends to go out at 3am to just hang out etc. I won't lie, some of my favorite memories come from that time, mania was fun. Not healthy, but fun. But again came the low. The debilitating depression. I soon sought help. I tried many medications with little effect. I would just stop taking them because they didn't help. There was years of trial and error. My poor poor roommate (maizey's dad) who had to suffer through some of my nasty unstable outbursts etc.
Finally, I was given Prozac. It worked like nothing had ever worked before. I began to feel good. I couldn't believe that this was what I was missing all those years. This was what "normal" people felt like! It was amazing. I remained happy like that for years after.
I had a brief time of postpartum depression after Maizey was born, but it didn't last.

I can't pinpoint a time, or an event, but my depression has returned. It's bad. I am irritable, lacking patience, I ache all over, I can't sleep when I want to, but all other times I want to sleep when I should be doing other things. I lack motivation, I can't concentrate, I'm gaining weight (which in my past I always lost weight with depression), I'm going through a period of presenteeism at work- being there but not getting much done, I have 0 sex drive, all of these things, make life hard, and make me feel week. Just the thought of updating the blog exhausted me. To keep up appearances, go on and on about a great life and how happy I am. Ugh! Draining.
I have started the process of being re-evaluated. I've seen my doctor, I've had blood work. I'm just waiting for results now.
I keep trying to look beyond right now, but have to stop myself. There are things I want, but first I must be healthy. I need to learn to focus on here, right now.
Talking about it helps, but what a burden to others.
I have to say though, Maizey and her utter existence has got me through a lot of darkness.
I'll post as I feel I can.
I'm still following all your blogs. They help me.


Stacey said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It isn't easy and mental health is something people don't understand. I have a wife who battles depression and it is hard for her, hard for us. I hope the doctor can help you feel like yourself again. {{{hugs}}}

Shannon said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard. You're taking care of yourself by seeing your doctor and getting evaluated, and that's great.

My wife also has depression, with many of the symptoms you're dealing with now. She's going for a sleep study to see if that has anything to do with it.

countingchickens said...

I understand how hard it can be to speak when you can't even get a grip on how you feel for yourself. I wish this never happened to you or to anyone but, as it has, I wish you the quickest healing possible.

Caroline said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. I hope your doctor will be able to get some answers for you and you will start to feel better. Hang in there!

TreeMan said...

I understand depression, I very rarely talk about it on my blog, but I am constantly battling.

All my love and tons of hugs. Please let me know if you need to talk. Email me and I will give you my phone number.