Time

My mom is still in the hospital. She is still waiting for her fistula to heal. From the sound of things, it's almost healed. I miss my mom. An hour every day in a hospital room is just not the same as having your mom around. It makes me sad to see her so discouraged and to see her wasting away to skin and bones because she hasn't been eating real food for the past 6 weeks. It really really bothers me. I'm hoping she will be released soon.

Maizey spent the whole day with her daddy and her papa today. I missed her so much all day. Sometimes it's hard to believe she's mine! She just brings so much happiness and love and laughter. I sometimes contemplate having another child. I would really like to but I worry about taking away from Maizey.
I mean, I cried for days after she was born for the dogs because now they would have to share the attention. (I blame PPD for most of it) but will I go through that with Maizey. I watched my nephews heart break with jealousy the first time my sister in law picked maizey up and again, cried for days that he had to feel that way. Will I ever be able to stand it to see Mai hurt like that no matter how brief?
On the other hand, she loves being around other kids. Cousins , friends kids, the ghetto neighbours who are like 16 years old. She always wants to be around them. Maybe she would embrace a sibling.
I'm getting pretty excited about the upcoming cottage trip! We're all hoping it will be an annual event. I just love the idea of Mai growing up with such nice traditions.
My doctor has made a referral to an ophthalmologist for maizey as her left eye tends to turn out still. I have actually been noticing it more frequently lately. I'd really like to get that fixed ASAP.

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More answers

A decision has been made. Mom will have surgery on Tuesday to repair her fistula. There is no guarantee that it will work, but they are going to try anyway. All her doctors agree that she can't live with that for the next 4 months. They will start her chemo 8 weeks after the surgery. That will keep her in the window of time that chemo needs to be started in.
My aunt is out of the ICU now, but seems to be suffering from PTSD and is not herself at all.
My dad bought a house in Northern Ontario on a lake and will be getting a float plane. Very exciting news. Angela and I are thinking we may have our wedding there if its possible.
Baby on the brain. Yes! It's time for a baby. My body is nagging at me to have another. Angela and I have decided that we will not TTC # 2 until we have moved out of where we live right now. We just don't want to raise children in our current neighbourhood. We are also considering changing doners. We are thinking about using Maizey's papa. He is married to our doner for maizey. He is very interested, but there is a lot to consider. He is different than maizey's dad in the way that he is more attached. We see this even with Maizey. He would need to sign the same agreement we have with doner #1 and he's articulated that he's not sure he could. We will hopefully be sitting down together soon to discuss all of the details.
3 weeks today I will be heading out to the cottage! Very exciting ! We went the same week two years ago and the weather sucked, so I am hoping this year is nicer. I wouldn't have even worried about this last week, but it has been on my mind because it has rained the past two days.



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More drinking

The neighbour kids were out drinking and horsing around in front of the house again this afternoon when I finally got home from work. I had to stay later today at the last minute as a favour to my manager. Lucky for me, we had already planned that Maizey's dad would pick her up from daycare today. Ange has been working 12 hr days again and we are thankful for the pick up in hours, but I am feeling a little tired and lonely again. I haven't been sleeping well at night, and much of the time I'm dragging through the days.
I guess I just need to get a night job lol;)
Mom finally got the results and as it turns out, she will need chemo. They will be doing it every two weeks for 8 rounds. This means she will likely be living with her fistula for at least 4 more months. On top of it all, she's having an allergic reaction to something and they can't figure out what! My poor mom. What an amazing woman to be dealing with all of this.
With all of this going on with my mom and aunt, I am reminded that life is too short and unpredictable to not be lived to the fullest.
I'm at a spot where I've run out of things to say. I know there is so much more inside but I can't sort it out well enough to even think it never mind blog.
I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm just spreading thin. I'm tired of everything being do negative and I am looking for the positives. Hopefully I can express them soon.



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Still Waiting

I have been so crazy busy these days with work, visiting mom, helping a friend move, hurricane Maizey and my dad visiting from china.
Mom had her mastectomy and all went well. We are still waiting to hear whether or not the cancer was in the surrounding tissue and lymph nodes. That will determine if she needs chemo and radiation or not. Once we know that we will have a better understanding of how they are planning to deal with the fistula. Mom is really getting tired of being in the hospital.
My aunt was flown from Florida to niagara falls on Friday. She is still in the ICU, but seems to be doing better. I've had her on my mind every day.

My dad and his wife were here briefly visiting. They are planning on moving back soon. My step-mom's planning on retiring in March. They will most likely end up in northern Ontario somewhere. I wish closer but they have always wanted to move to northern Ontario.

Maizey has been so funny these days. She talks nonstop and thinks she is the boss of everything. She loves being outside and cries when it is time to come in the house. She loves playing rough with other kids and has no fear. She's sporting many bumps and bruises as a consequence to that.

We've had domestic neighbor drama shows every day this week. I guess when the weather is good, they take it out side. It'S not only our one neighbor, but usually the same 5 places. It really is getting to be too much. Especially when I have finally fallen asleep and am awoken by the swearing and yelling.

I'm really looking forward to my vacations this summer!


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Debbie Downer

Unfortunately I am a Debbie Downer tonight. All I have is sad news updates all around. My mom is scheduled for a mastectomy tomorrow. They are removing the whole breast. They are however optimistic, that she likely won't need chemo or radiation at all after that. Lets hope not because she will probably need a surgery to fix her fistula. They are talking about removing more of her small intestine, as well as the hernia that she has in there causing the fistula. On top of that, I just got off the phone with my dad. My aunt who is in Florida on a vacation got into a boating accident and broke her neck. She was on life support for a while, and now is doing better. She had a surgery today to remove some of her vertibrae and put in a steel plate. She isn't paralized, and they are hoping to have her up on her feet tomorrow. She is stuck in Florida for a while, we are unsure when she will be able to return. I guess she is having some trouble with her travel insurance coverage company. We made an offer on the house last week with the condition of sale on Angela's dad's house. They accepted it with their own conditions. One was that they could continue to recieve offers and that if they accepted another offer, we would have 48 hours to remove our conditions to continue with the sale. Well they recieved another offer that they accepted, and Angela's dad does not want to remove the condition of sale on his house, so we will not be getting that home. I am not as torn up about it as I thought I would be. At the same time though, there really isn't much out there in our price range that we want to look at. We went and saw two more yesterday. One was across the street from the house I grew up in. It was a total dump. It had half assed renovations everywhere that were all incomplete. It just was not very nice at all, it kind of gave me the creeps. There was an electrical panel in the bathroom... just open there. The tiles were all jagged edged, like someone didn't know what they were doing when they cut them. It was just weird. The other was the complete opposite. It was beautifully done. The problem was that it was too small, and it had no door to the back yard. Just a side door. It is important to me to have a door to the back area, so that if we have a pool and a bbq etc, we can have easy access. The ideal place would have a door from the kitchen/dining area to the back deck/patio. That would be heaven. There was another house that we wanted to view, but I guess it had an offer, and stopped all showing of the house unless the offer fell through. There are very few other houses on our list that we would like to see. In part we want to just wait until Ang's dad's house sells before we even look at another place, but we also want to have an idea of what is out there. I'm having a hard time concentrating on things these days. I am having a hard time keeping up with life. I am having a hard time sleeping at night, mostly tossing and turning. I guess there is just a lot going on that I am trying to keep sorted out in my mind. It's a crazy time. I do however have my little girl. She is just doing things to amaze me more each day. I don't think I have ever seen an 18 month old talk so much. She is a little dare devil. My most favorite thing she does is take my glasses off and then kiss me. lol. Too cute. Yesterday she was sitting on the dog's back and "reading a book". The poor little dogs... they are so tolerant.

Ham!

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Update

We found the house that feels like home. It's in a good neighbourhood, it has everything we need (except a pool, but we could easily put one in a yard that size. It's the right price! We love it. Angela's dad is hopefully coming down on Tuesday of next week to view it and possibly make a conditional offer. One small problem - our furniture won't match the pink carpeting! Yuck! That's ok because there is hardwood under there, wouldn't be too expensive to re-finish it. I'm excited about this place and so is Angela! First time we've agreed on a house about everything. It even has a fire place! Move in ready! On the shitty side of news, my mom's in the hospital again. They are eexploring her bowel issues and most likely going to perform the surgery on her breast cancer.

Curve Ball

Will it ever just let up? The demands of life I mean. Can't she just catch a break? My mom I mean. I've been busy with my mom lately. She had her physical in March. They had to investigate several suspicious things. One of them was a lump in her breast. She had a mammogram, and a biopsy to reveal she has breast cancer. She is scheduled for a MRI next week for that, so that the surgeon can determine what she is working with when she goes in to remove the cancer. We will have to wait, I suppose, to find out if she will be needing any Chemo therapy after the cancer is removed.
As if that's not enough, she had a CT scan of her abdomen as well, if you remember, she had her large intestines removed last January (11), because she had colitis and had a bowel obstruction, slight perforation of her bowels and some gangrenous lesions as well as some cancer in there. They just wanted to follow up and check out that things were as should be in there. Well, they aren't. Of course not. The doctor now suspects that she was misdiagnosed, and that she actually has Crohn's disease which affects much more of your digestive tract than Colitis does. The CT scan revealed that she had "something going on in there". They couldn't tell from the CT exactly, so they have sent her today for a MRI of that area. They had initially suspected what they were seeing was another obstruction or a hernia. Well a few days after her CT, she developed a HUGE abscess on her abdomen. The doctor had to lance it last Monday. It drained massive amounts of yuck! Now, it seems, it isn't just an abscess. Mom and I were into the emergency room at the General Hospital on Friday evening because out of the lance site, there was feces being excreted. The same as out of her stoma site. (area where her intestine was brought to the surface of her skin, to attach the ostomy bag) Well the doctor there highly suspects, that this is now a fistula. A fistula is a tunnel through her abdomen from her small intestine to the surface of her skin.
Keeping this under control is almost impossible. She is really getting frustrated. She is bandaging the fistula with gauze and tape, but the problem with that is, that there is a large volume of Yuck expelling, and it leaks, it leaks onto the adhesive for her ostomy appliance, and then that becomes compromised and leaks. She is spending an hour at a time fixing this and re-applying, changing appliances, and they are expensive. The appliance is approximately $20 each. (Not covered by benefits). Well at once point she was changing it up to 3 times a day.
We think we have figured out a way to patch her up for at least 24 hrs at a time. She does however have to change her gauze frequently.
She's frustrated, and I am frustrated. No medical professional has offered any solution to this. There is "nothing you can do, but wait for it to heal" is what we have been told.
That wasn't good enough for me, so I did some research on the Internet last night. Apparently a "Wound care nurse" can apply a emptyable bag apparatus to the fistula, and they can last up to 7 days, without leaking. I will be seeing my mom a little later in the afternoon today, and I am going to insist that she request a wound care nurse to visit with these specific wound draining bags .. made specifically for fistulas. At least there is a light.
This is a lot of stress. My mom had never handled stress very well, and I am very worried about her emotional well being and health.
Honestly, I would never let on, but I am getting exhausted too.

On a lighter side. We had a fabulous Easter. My best friend, her son, Angela, Maizey and I all went to a local farm to do some Easter activities. They had an Egg hunt, Egg painting, Hay rides, Pony rides, and Pictures with baby bunnies!!! it was just enough excitement for the kids.



Another few exciting pieces of news are that we have booked a couple vacations. We will be going to Maizey's dad and papa's cottage at the end of June, and camping at Sandbanks provincial park again in August.

Here is our exact campsite for August! we are very excited!


We will be camping in Killbear provincial park in July. We have decided not to buy a camper yet. We are going to wait until we can purchase it quicker. Maybe finance for 3 years or 5 at the most. This year we will simply buy a larger tent. The one we are looking at is huge. It sleeps 11 people, has 3 rooms, and a built in battery operated lighting system, and fan. I have read some great reviews about it. It should provide the space we need. We can also borrow my brother's utility trailer if we need to have more area for packing things to go. We are very comfortable with this decision.

Want or Need?

When does something you want become something that you need?
I'm talking about moving. For the longest time we've wanted to move. We've been waiting for Angela's dad to decide what he is doing. We're running out of patience. Mostly because we now feel that we NEED to move. We are tired of where we live, but some things have happened to change that. Last evening I spent the night first listening to a man threaten my next door neighbours with a sawed off shot gun, then throw rocks through their windows. We then spent the rest of the evening listening to police radios from the three police vehicles that were called to the scene.
This morning, I heard an all out fight, I guess the neighbour punched a guy in his face. He was bleeding and she was crying about hurting her hand.
The fact is, it has gone from being annoying disturbences (loud radios, smoking, domestic arguments) to full out violence. We don't feel safe, nor do we want to raise our child in this type of neighbourhood. We need to get out of there and soon!


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Nothing I love more!

There is nothing I love more than listening to Angela and Maizey interact together. I didn't sleep well last night. I have been forgetting to take my Iron pills at night, and that leads me to get Restless legs. (Restless Leg Syndrome) Anyone who has restless legs can tell you it's terrible. There is nothing more frustrating. Anyway, I came home from work early today to sleep because I just wasn't being productive. I took some of the float time I still have and was home by 1pm. Angela was off today and had made some appointments with the bank to talk about an account she had previously shared with her mom. She graciously offered to pick Maizey up from daycare so that I could nap. I heard them come home, and off and on as I was drifting in and out of sleep, I could hear them. It was the cutest thing ever. Maizey giggling because Ange was chasing her, or laughing when Maizey got her "tickle spot". And again tonight, Ange was taking Maizey to bed. I could hear them over the monitor, Ange was singing her a song about changing out of her clothes and into her pyjamas, and about how she was "free from the clothes, naked baby" lol. Totally made up. Maizey was giggling. It just warms my heart, and makes me so happy! I love my girls!

Dreams!

Dreams are weird things aren't they? Everytime I dream about being at home, I am at the house I grew up in.
I also have frequent recurring dreams.
In my past, I've had a dream that my brother and I were going somewhere with my dad, and the bridge over the canal where we live begins to go up, so my dad accelerates and tries to use the bridge as a ramp and "jump" the canal, only to land us in the canal. Then we have to try to get out of the water before a boat comes, but the banks are all slippery mud and people are there pushing you back in if you manage to get out. I haven't had that one in a while.
The one I've been having recently is that I have to use the public washroom, and every time I go to one, there are no private toilets... They are all out in the open or there is more than one toilet in a stall. As well as the one where I need to have a shower and can't get privacy to do so. It's so weird and frustrating!
Other frustrating dreams are that I have too much gum in my mouth, and can't take any out, and when I can't dial the phone properly no matter how much I concentrate.
I have to say though, Friday night takes the cake! I didn't particularly remember my dream, but as I was showering, I noticed a bite mark on my right hand. That's when I vaguely remembered biting myself during a dream! I remember waking and thinking "ouch! That hurts! Why am I biting myself? "
So weird.
But I love dreaming! Even if it's becomming dangerous!


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It's snowing. Tonight is the snow that I like. The slow, silent kind of snow. It's winter wonderland kind of snow. I find it peaceful. I just want to sit outside and watch it, breath it in.



Maizey has been teething a lot. She got her lower right first molar and currently has her lower left an her top right and left first molars coming in. We are still waiting for her cuspids. She is really rather cranky but does well for the amount of pain I'm sure she is feeling.
She is full on walking now. It's so weird for me. I'll be just sitting on the couch and she comes walking out of the kitchen ... She crawls if she falls, but will ge up a soon as she finds something to pull up on. I think it's funny that she will stand up without help when she is on the couch or bed, but won't do it if she's on the floor.
She's just so amazing!
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