playing catch up

My world has changed in the past while. I don’t even know where to begin with this. A while back my mom went for her 6 month checkup after the end of her breast cancer treatment. The MD, who was awesome by the way, found another lump, in her armpit. He took a biopsy just to be safe. Mom also had an ultrasound and a MRI. Mom was shaken, she was ready to throw in the towel, she had enough, and wasn’t sure she could go through it all again. It was a long week of waiting for results. I accompanied her to the appointment to hold her hand. The MD declared “good news” before he could even get all the way into the room. It seems that what he was feeling was just a buildup of fluid and blood. Both mom and I were so relieved. Angela’s dad came back from Portugal for just shy of a month. It really wasn’t too bad for me, but Angela was stressed to the max. I think most of the issue was the fact that we had registered our dogs for city tags, and when he got back he registered his dogs. It wasn’t long before we got a call informing us of the city by law that prohibits more than 3 dogs per household in our city. At first we didn’t think too much about it because Ang’s dad had told us that he would be taking his dogs to Portugal with him, and likely leaving them there to live as their home base, because he is planning to spend most of his time there. After a conversation with him, he stated that he was not taking his dogs at this time because he didn’t want to spend the money to fly them over, and he also had no one to look after them when he came back here to visit. Needless to say, none of us wanted to get rid of any of our dogs, but we were in a tough spot. The fine for having all of the dogs could be up to $5000.00. His dogs are old. One is 14 and the other is 13. Our one dog is a pug beagle mix and is larger and more excitable than the other three. No one would want these dogs, so we decided to give up our Bennie. It’s the hardest thing I have done in a long time. I love that little guy so much. I was there during his birth. We mentioned it on Face.book, and pretty soon we had an offer from someone who was looking for a dog of his specific breed. We took him to his new owner on April 1. They are thrilled, and Bennie seems happy, so I guess I can live with it. I can’t deny that I bawled my face off for hours when he went thought. To make things more stressful, my 96 year old grandmother got really sick the week before Easter. She has been in a nursing home for 14 years with Alzheimer’s. She has been in a chair for at least 7 of those years, and has had no form of communicating other than moaning for pain, and smiling for happiness in at least 6 years. We all knew she wouldn’t last forever. We had just celebrated her 96th birthday three weeks before. I got the call on the way back from re-homing Bennie, Grandma had passed away. I have been emotionally exhausted. I saw the MD on the Tuesday after the Easter weekend. I have been having a lot of back pain. So much so that at times, I don’t even want to move for fear of the pain. He checked me over, performed some reflex tests etc, and decided that it is a muscular problem. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory, and a muscle relaxant along with some physiotherapy. He gave me a print out of some exercises I can do to hopefully strengthen the muscles. I will give it a try. I am really hoping that it works. I have been taking the medications when I don’t have to work, or at night after I have worked, because they make me very drowsy and right out of it. I can’t live like this. I am also going to try losing some weight, but I’m not going to do anything major, just watch my portions and cut back junk food consumption. I am a total binge eater when it comes to junk food (sweets mainly). It’s like I can’t get enough, and I eat until I feel guilty and sick. Not a great practice. We booked our tickets for our trip this summer to Portugal. Two weeks, we’ll be going for. I’m pretty excited, but it was expensive. The 2 year old pays only $150 less than the adults. I am glad though that it is all paid for upfront, and we don’t have to stress about the cost anymore. Angela is less excited than I am because the reason we are going is because she and her 2 sisters have to finalize the inheritance of her mother’s land. She keeps talking about this feeling she is getting, that something isn’t right, and that her dad is being sneaky about something. She feels like she can’t quite trust him. She can’t shake the feeling. My mom and her friend are also going to be travelling with us. Angela, Maizey and I will be staying at Angela’s family home, and my mom and friend will be staying in a hotel that is a 10 min drive away and practically right on the beach in a touristy area. Usually by now, we would be booking our camping trips for the summer, but unfortunately we will have to pass on those this year. I am hoping to squeeze in a 4 night stay at one of the camp grounds just for tradition sake. I will miss the camping, but both of us will be using a lot of our vacation time for the trip to Portugal, and won’t be able to afford much other time off. Our friend Michael also wants us to come up and spend some time at his cottage, just the 5 of us as a family. It would be him, Maizey’s dad, and the three of us. He wants to make it a tradition. I am hoping that we can do that for a long weekend too. The problem is that Angela doesn’t get a lot of time off and has to pick her dates for vacation in November of the year before. Maizey is doing alright. Early in March she had some kind of cold virus and then we all came down with a short lived flu, but lived to tell about it. Since then, though, she has been getting some random fevers. Sometimes up to 102 degrees. She’ll spend a day or two not feeling well, and then just like that, it’s gone. No explanation. We have decided that if it happens again, we are going to go to the MD and ask for some blood tests etc. She really has begun the bossy stage of life. She really is quite good though, most of the time. The only thing that worries me is that she hits. Anytime you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear, or something that she doesn’t like, she just punches you. I don’t like it at all. We’ve tried time out, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I guess we’ll just keep at it. My schedule at work has been changed all around. I use to get 5 week day shifts, 3 afternoon shifts and 2 weekend shifts in a two week period. Now I am down to 3 days, 5 afternoons and 2 weekends. This totally screwed up our daycare. We’ve had to take Maizey out of where we had her because it wouldn’t accommodate this new schedule, and she is now going to a friend of mine. It will save us a bunch of money, but I don’t like not having a set schedule for her. She has also been having night terrors lately. She will begin crying approximately 2-3 hours after she goes to bed. When we go to comfort her, she is usually sitting up with her eyes open, but she does not respond to us in any way. It’s like she is still asleep with her eyes open. We were wondering if this has started because she hasn’t been napping in the afternoon, and is becoming overtired by the time bedtime rolls around. We have noticed that on rare days that she does nap, she doesn’t cry in the night. Well that ought to get everyone up to speed on what’s been going on over here. I really really have to try to update this more often. I really enjoy looking back at old posts and reminiscing about the past.

not too terrible two's

Some of the time, Maizey displays some terrible two behaviour. She pouts, she cries, she throws things, she lashes out, the usual tantrum behaviour. But you know what? Most of the time she is so so good. I've said it before, I can't even explain how much I absolutely love this little girl. She is learing so many new things these days. She is singing along with music, she is telling stories. It is especially cute when she "pretend plays". A lot of her play is with her baby dolls. She likes to dress and undress them, and change their diapers, as well she likes to put them to bed. It is so cute to listen to her talking to them. She also talks in the same tone to the dogs. We have an official assessment with her day care provider on Tuesday. They have to come to the house to assess that she is meeting all of her milestones. They tried to do some of the assessment while she was at daycare, but she was being shy. They are hoping that she is a lot more comfortable at home. We have been casually introducing her to the potty. She expresses quite an interest in the potty. She often wants to sit on it, or will tell us that she has to go potty. So, we rush her over to the potty, and sit her down on there. She sits for a while, then gets up. She has yet to actually go on the potty. She has twice sat on the potty, then got up and proceeded to pee on the floor. I'm hoping that she is not to difficult to train. I'm not worried as she is just over 2 years old and the doctor told us that its fine as long as she is trained by the time she is 3. She is so loving these days. She always runs over and hugs me and kisses me just out of the blue. My favourite is when she holds my face in her little hands and says "i love you mommy". Melts my heart! We have had the house all to ourselves since October. Tomorrow, Angela's dad, his girlfriend, and her grandmother are returning from portugal for a while. I think Ang said that currently they are planning to stay until late April or early May. Her dad requires another surgery on his back side, and wants to go back to portugal to have it done. I guess they have told him the wait there for the surgery is less than the wait would be here. We're hoping that we can talk him into getting a new hot tub. I really didn't think I would be a plan of the hot tub. I am though, It really helped my back. The days after I would spend some time in the hot tub, were the best sleeps I have had in a long time and I would wake up without a sore back. I guess though, that if we do decide to get pregnant any time soon, the hot tub would no longer be a benefit to me. I suppose I could keep the temperature down in the summer and use it as a refreshing pool on the hot days. That could be nice. Speaking of babies, I'm hoping it is in the near future. Angela agrees. I'm getting older, Maizey is getting older, we all feel like it is time now. We haven't made any solid plans as to when to start trying, but our agreement has been set in place, I am just editing it, and then we will sign it. Our donor has already set up an appointment with his doctor, For all of the general sexual health things. He's married, and I trust them both, so it's not like I am worried about anything being an issue. This month I started POAS on the ovulation test sicks. It looks like I ovlulated. I'm also watching what I eat, trying to shed a few lbs, and just take better care of myself in general. I'm getting pretty tired, so I think I am going to go put myself to bed. Angela is watching the Oscars so I'm sure she'll be putting herself to bed when it's over. I'll hog the bed until she comes lol. Nice.

A little better

I've been feeling a little better lately. I can't honestly say what's changed to help my mood improved. It just has. I'm glad that I didn't start messing with my medications. All of my blood tests came back normal. I also had a neck X-ray because I've been constantly getting a stiff neck/sore shoulder and arm. That was normal too. I don't usually complain about aches and pains etc. I usually just chalk it up to being over weight.
Ange has the flu right now. I woke up at 2 in the morning to someone calling my name. At first I thought that I was hallucinating or dreaming of being in school and my mom calling me in the morning to wake me for school. Then I clued in that it was Ange. I went to find her sitting on the toilet requesting something to throw up into. I felt bad for her but couldn't hang around to offer comfort. I'm just not good at handling the barf.
We've been talking about a second child again. We're thinking that it might be soon time to start to try again. There's been no formal decision as of yet.
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A long over due honest post

A second attempt at this.

I've been M.I.A, I know. I don't even know how to go about this post.
I have been battling depression for as long as I can remember.

I was at my worst my first year of college. I was away from home for the first time in my life, my first boyfriend, my first love,had just broken up with me. I was at a point that certain realizations about myself were scaring me. I had been suffering psychotic depression at this time, auditory and visual hallucinations almost every day. I hid this from everyone around me. They thought I was suffering through a broken heart.
For a brief period before seeking help, I went through a short lived manic episode. I was reckless in many aspects of life, I never felt the need to sleep, and even if I tried, I couldn't. I would want to call friends to go out at 3am to just hang out etc. I won't lie, some of my favorite memories come from that time, mania was fun. Not healthy, but fun. But again came the low. The debilitating depression. I soon sought help. I tried many medications with little effect. I would just stop taking them because they didn't help. There was years of trial and error. My poor poor roommate (maizey's dad) who had to suffer through some of my nasty unstable outbursts etc.
Finally, I was given Prozac. It worked like nothing had ever worked before. I began to feel good. I couldn't believe that this was what I was missing all those years. This was what "normal" people felt like! It was amazing. I remained happy like that for years after.
I had a brief time of postpartum depression after Maizey was born, but it didn't last.

I can't pinpoint a time, or an event, but my depression has returned. It's bad. I am irritable, lacking patience, I ache all over, I can't sleep when I want to, but all other times I want to sleep when I should be doing other things. I lack motivation, I can't concentrate, I'm gaining weight (which in my past I always lost weight with depression), I'm going through a period of presenteeism at work- being there but not getting much done, I have 0 sex drive, all of these things, make life hard, and make me feel week. Just the thought of updating the blog exhausted me. To keep up appearances, go on and on about a great life and how happy I am. Ugh! Draining.
I have started the process of being re-evaluated. I've seen my doctor, I've had blood work. I'm just waiting for results now.
I keep trying to look beyond right now, but have to stop myself. There are things I want, but first I must be healthy. I need to learn to focus on here, right now.
Talking about it helps, but what a burden to others.
I have to say though, Maizey and her utter existence has got me through a lot of darkness.
I'll post as I feel I can.
I'm still following all your blogs. They help me.
Thanks.

Christmas Baking

I've always been one to want to do Christmas baking. I've just never seemed to be able to pull it together. I guess I wait too long and then it just doesn't happen. I never want to start too early because I like things fresh! Well this year, I'm determined to complete Christmas baking. I have so many memories of home made goodies from when I was a kid, and I want Maizey to grow up with similar memories. I want her to grow up with traditions.
One of my most favorite Christmas goodies memories is "sugar cookies" that's what we called them. It's basically shortbread cut into shapes with cookie cutters. I can remember spending time at the kitchen table with my mom and brother rolling out the dough, and cutting the cookies, then baking them, and decorating them with cookie icing and sprinkles. And every year the left over dough, that wasn't enough to roll out, got made into tiny little jam turnovers. 😝
Well tonight I made those sugar cookies. Maizey is too young to participate this year. I tried, but she just ended up eating cookie dough and feeding dogs cookie dough. She also enjoyed the baked cookies!








Lets hope that am just as ambitious when it comes to the rest of the holiday recipes i have selected.

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13 more! 18 days!

Mom only has 13 more radiation treatments left. Only 18 days until she's finished with all this. Best Christmas gift ever! She is doing surprisingly well with it. My mom is definitely for sure a TROOPER! I'm so proud of her!

Maizey had a fantastic birthday. She played with cousins and friends and it was great! She is such a sweet girl. Truly amazing!




















I'm in full "gotta have another baby" mode. I would like to start trying in January, I mean I'm 35 years old and everywhere I look, thing are saying how quickly your fertility decreases after age 35. Angela isn't quite on board yet with my timeline. She'd like to wait a while until we have a better idea of what our finances will be like now that we're in the new house. I can totally understand where she's coming from and my practical side totally agrees. I'm just finding it hard to argue with my biological clock.

I'm the worst at titles!

My little monkey girl is playing in the bath. I switched up the routine tonight. I'm actually being a good little house wife tonight. I'm currently in the middle of my 3rd load of laundry and getting a jump on the bath. Lucky for me, Maizey doesn't melt down if the routine is a little switched up. Angela will be home at about 6:30 tonight so that gives me just a little over an hour to finish up the bath and make dinner. (chicken fajitas, pre-cooked meat) Dinner shouldn't take long. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I haven't felt like going to bed as soon as I got home from work. I haven't been taking my iron supplements for a while, that is likely the problem. I just haven't bothered to pick any up. I know! Duh!
I got an email from my dad letting me know that my little brother Will, proposed to his long time girlfriend on Monday night. He rented the ice rink at Rockefeller in New York and proposed with hundreds of spectators. She of course said yes! I stole this picture from her face.book.


Ok - so super mom maybe not! I got distracted by texting and making dinner and didn't finish my post. I also left one load in the dryer. Some friends ended up coming over and we went in the hot tub. I am over paranoid about the hydro we're spending on running it in the winter.
We're hoping to keep it open at least until New Years Eve.
And... This is my third attempt at finishing this post. I don't know how mom's do it! I've been busy again tonight. It's 7pm, I've been home 3.5 hrs from work and I've dismembered my couch cushions to wash the covers and steam the cushions and parts that can't be put in the machine because one of the dogs barfed on it. I've washed the covers, steamed the cushions and other parts ... Made dinner, fed the child, gave 4 dogs a bath, did 2 loads of laundry and put it away, gave Maizey a bath, removed Mai from the bath when she pooped in it, cleaned the tub, re-bathed Maizey and coloured. I still have to reassemble the couch, vacuum and clean the floors and clean up after dinner and put Maizey to bed.
Tomorrow- organize and prepare Maizey's birthday party.
How do you do it all? It's exhausting!
On a happy note! Baby girl is 2 on Saturday!
Ok this is ending here while I have time!
Update to follow!

All moved in !

We finally moved the rest of our stuff into the new house. We ended up throwing a whole bunch more stuff out. Feels good to be rid a lot of stuff.
We still have some organizing to finish, but it's going well.
Maizey has been so funny the last little while! So cute! She's talking a lot and most of the time I can understand what she is talking about. Her little expressions are so cute!
Her new favorite activity is colouring:


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She was a monkey for Halloween!



Angela and I both had to work in the afternoon on Halloween so we dressed her up during the day for our shopping.
She loved trick-or-treating!

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Spark in my step today

I have a bit of a spark in my step! At work this evening, the agency chaplain is coming to dinner. I decided to go all out. I have to admit I'm a little jealous that I won't be staying for dinner.
Steaks: (to be cooked on the BBQ)


Brussel sprouts:


Butternut squash:


Twice baked cheddar bacon potatoes:


Apple crisp:



Kinda makes my chicken fingers and fries for tonight seem unexciting ;p

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In Love!

I'm completely in love with the new house despite some "new house" frustration. I feel so at home and happy there. It needs more work than we first anticipated, but it all comes with personalizing the home. We'd like to paint and do some landscaping, and get a new garage door, and windows (most windows are newer, so only a few need replacing) and the kitchen needs a whole reno. It's not as bad as I thought it was though.
We're getting a new dishwasher this week, because the one that's there works, but the door is off the hinges.
We can't figure out how to make the hot tub hot!
Ange's family left for Portugal yesterday, so now the house feels empty.
Maizey loves the house too! I can't wait until next summer when I can sit out on the deck and watch her play in the yard.
A couple of the other things we are finding frustrating are that a front window cracked the other day, we seem to have an infestation of boxelder bugs, and the tree that they feast on is on our neighbours yard, there is no remote for the garage door opener, and no keys to any of the locks! This isn't a big deal because we wanted to change the locks anyway.
Another problem we're having is that we haven't moved everything from our other house. Mostly the stuff that is stored most of the year, but we're finding it hard to have time for this. We don't really have ant time off at the same time. It's just hard, but I know we'll get it done some time in the next 9 days.
I'm also bummed out because both Ange and I work afternoon shifts on Halloween and we won't be able to go trick-or-treating with Maizey. I was really looking forward to it too!

Moving day! Sort of..

We get possession of the house today.
Angela's dad will be moving all of his things in today, we will be moving some of our things today. We have until the 31 to be completely out of our old place. We are hoping to get the bedrooms in today and most other stuff tomorrow. We had a final walk through of the house on Sunday. It was dirty! So I wasn't that excited. The people who were living there had already moved out and a cleaning company was supposed to be going in yesterday to clean up. Let's hope they did a great job. I want to paint all of the doors, trim and baseboards white, they are currently stained dark brown and I just feel like they need to be white!
Also, I want to paint the upstairs bedrooms. It will all happen in due time.
The good news is that Angela's dad will be having the kitchen redone in the spring. Yay!!! I can't wait because the kitchen really needs it!
I guess Angela and I can spend the winter making up some plans for it.
Exciting!
Can't wait to soak in this bad boy!


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Listen and tell me what she said...

Really, this is in fact the word "sit".

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