12 & 13 DPO

I broke down and tested yesterday. BFN. It was 12 DPO. I won't lie, I was disappointed. I wanted it to be positive, just so I would know for sure. I feel a lot like I am getting my AF soon because my abdomen is sort of bloated and not really crampy but just strange. Really a lot like how I feel when expecting my AF. I am a little surprised to be honest, I really was beginning to have a good feeling because of the weird emotional and gagging sickness I was having. I didn't test again this morning, because I was too afraid of another negative.
I will wait until at least tomorrow to test again if I don't see the AF.

11 DPO

I still have no clue if this insem worked or not. I am 11 dpo today. That means I could test tomorrow, I got my bfp on 12 dpo last time. I don't know, I think I'll just wait until Monday to see if AF shows up. If not, I'll test on Tuesday morning. Tuesday is my day off.
My breasts still really aren't sore, but a couple of other things going on to that sway me from the absolutely didn't work category. I am now thinking 90% not pregnant, 10% possible.
I bawled my eyes out the other day watching Inter.vention. But all of the symptoms I've been having, could just be normal for me. I can't tell. I keep craving Zesty D.oritos, and am eating more than usual, not craving sweets like I normally do, sort of constipated, but that could be from lack of drinking water. My breasts aren't sore like they were last time, but they are sort of weird... just not normal for me. Tuesday just can't get here fast enough. I've been having af like cramps off an on, just mild ones for the last while. Oh I don't know.
*** UPDATE***
I was having Mc Donald's Chicken Mc Nuggets for lunch with Fries, I couldn't eat the fries because they made me gag. I think I can recall this happening last pregnancy. I could be wrong. Even just typing this made me gag again. 11% possiblilty now. ;)

Je ne sais quoi

So, today is 7 DPO. I am convinced now that the insemination didn't work. I have been driving myself nuts the last week just searching for symptoms. There were a few things that made me think that it had worked, AF like cramps, headache, exhaustion, cravings, nausea, hyper-smelling, mood swings, emotionality and weird dreams, but the thing that put me over the top in the didn't work direction is the fact that my nipples are not sore at all yet. By this time last time I had a BFP, My nipples were extremely sore. It's funny because it really wasn't that long ago that I had my first BFP, but now, it's like I can't remember how I felt at all. I know they say that symptoms can vary from woman to woman and even from pregnancy to pregnancy, but I just feel like I am searching too hard and that any little thing to me is a symptom. I do remember "just knowing" last time, and sometimes I get that feeling, but then I can't remember if it is authentic, or the feeling I had with every other BFN, just a hopeful feeling. One week to go and we'll know for the absolute. I have however given it over to the natural unfolding of my life. If it was meant to happen this time, It would, and if not, we'll just keep trying. It's OK.
We had a pretty busy weekend this weekend.
Friday - Angela and I went to our friend's father's funeral. It was a nice service. After it was over we went to my friend's mom's house and just sat around talking and things. It was really one of the nicest afternoons I have had in a long time.
Saturday - Was the boys' wedding reception. It was very small and intimate, but very nice. I must say however, that nothing is without silent drama. ;) After the reception was over, we went out with some other friends to a bar downtown, where there was feces on the floor of the bathroom because the toilet had overflowed. SICK.. I am gagging just thinking about it. We got home pretty late that night (3:00am) and today, I am suffering because of it.
Sunday - We went with our friends to see "Bruno". I have to say that some parts were funny, and there were some surprisingly big names who ended up showing up at the end of the movie, but most of it was kind of dumb. It was also short.
After the movie, we went home and just relaxed for a while. I fell in and out of sleep while watching some TV. Angela eventually woke me up because the boys and their friend were going to be coming over to watch a movie and have hot/veggie dogs for dinner. It was a nice night.
Let me say though, when my alarm clock rang at 6:00 this morning, I just didn't want to get up.

1 DPO

Well, today is one dpo. I don't want to jinx anything, but i have a strong feeling that it didn't work this time. If it didn't, it's a bit of a bummer, but I can at least think of it as a practice to get us back into the swing of it. Things went pretty well. I just don't feel it though. I guess only time will tell.
I read on the Internet that if you are feeling like you don't have enough cervical mucous to get those swimmers to where they need to be, you can put a raw egg white "in there" to help the environment become more swimmer friendly. I am a little skeptical though, I'm not sure I'd want to be putting anything "in there" that really wasn't meant to be there. On the site I was reading, it had all these women's stories, stating how they had tried for blah blah amount of time, and then they did the egg white trick and it finally worked. There was however, one story about a fishy infection... So...
On a sad note, My good friend's father passed away suddenly on Monday night. He had a bad heart attack. I'm sending all my good thoughts and prayers to her and her whole family. It's just a terrible thing to have happen.
Angela and I love you Courtney.

Anxiety

it seems to be that time again... Insem time. I have been having insemination anxiety for a while now.. but it seems to have gotten worse now that the time has come.
I am so anxious about the timing. I have it set in my mind that the last time it worked because the timing was so awesome, and it just happens that the timing was forced due to things we couldn't control. This time, I am worried that we'll miss the window.
We inseminated last night.. and will again tonight. Yesterday, I had pink lines on my ovulation detector strip, but they weren't as dark as the control line.. today.. it was darker. I am thinking we should do one Tuesday as well.. Angela will be away all day Tuesday, so it will be complicated. I feel like Tuesday evening would be too late. At least we'll get tonight in after work at 11.

Here it is... what do you think?

Left outer Ankle Before

Left outer Ankle After

PS. It's hard to take a picture of your own outer left ankle.

Tattoo

I got my tattoo on Saturday!! It turned out nice. The tattoo artist couldn't do exactly what I wanted him too, but what he did was beautiful. I'm on the work computer right now, so I can't show a picture of it, but I will try to remember to do that when I get home later. I am extremely tired today.
We had our friends visiting from London all weekend, and we had a lot of fun. I really enjoy them a lot. They're like family.
OK, well this was just a quick little update...
Hope you are all doing well...

Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

We're back from the wedding up north. It was a beautiful ceremony. Just perfect. It rained for most of the day, but stopped just in time for the ceremony to begin.
Lucky for them, Angela and I are "back-up plan" kind of people. At the last minute, I decided to put my small tent gazebo in the car, "just in case" It was a good idea. The boys loved the Idea of using it. They were a tad worried that they would have to get married in the cottage, and squeeze in the 21 viewers. But it turned out the lesbian's saved the day. As I mentioned we had the gazebo, and a couple of our other friends went and bought a tarp and set it up on the deck. So... the guys got married down the bottom of the stairs of the deck, under the gazebo, and the audience watched from the shelter of the tarp on the deck. Had it not stopped raining, it would have been perfect.
Here are some of the pictures from the wedding.

Pictures

Not that Screwed up.

Well, Aunti Flo came right when I was expecting her. So it seems my body is not too screwed up. (except for the milk like nipple discharge issue... apparently normal- who knew?) I am now very excited for the trying again process. It has taken me a while to get here, but I am raring to go.
Can't wait for the first week of July!
This weekend, Angela and I are headed back up north to witness the marriage of our very good friends, (the donor) S, and his partner MT. It is going to be a beautiful ceremony right by the water at the cottage. The only part I'm not looking forward to is the drive.
Angela's parents were supposed to look after the dogs for us, but her mom ended up in the hospital with an infection, and her dad had knee surgery on Friday, so I am not sure that will work out. We are pretty well out of options for dog-sitters, but can take them with us if we absolutely have to. They get very anxious in the car, so we would rather not subject them to the 6 hour car ride.
I had a nice visit with my dad on Sunday night. We went to my brother's house for a BBQ. My dad and brother both drank a little too much.. LOL... so that was interesting to say the least.
I ran out to get my youngest nephew a little pool for the yard, because his big brother and all his friends were at the neighbours swimming, and the poor little guy was left behind. (still too small to play with the big boys). He was happy with that for quite a while. I managed to snap a few really cute photo's of him playing with the hose. Part way through the "swim" he decided that he did not need his pants anymore, so there are a few of his little boy bare bum too... ever cute!! I will try to post some later, when I get home...

We Decided not to

After some research and much consideration, we decided not to go ahead with inseminating this month. I have read on some web pages that if you get pregnant after a miscarriage, before you finish one full cycle, you have an increased risk of miscarrying again. Another reason was that we weren't all that organized for it and we had very limited time. As well, I am thinking of getting a tattoo to honor the baby that we lost, and although much of my research proved that you could in fact get a tattoo while pregnant, it may not be a great idea, due to the stress etc, on the body caused by the pain. (I have three tattoos already, and non of them were painful). I had better get to that tattoo though. Maybe I will go tomorrow on my day off to find out what my options are. Both Angela and I are off tomorrow. It may work out nicely..

On a sad note, My uncle John passed away last week. He was diagnosed with cancer in January and passed on June 3rd. He was such an amazing man, and I will really miss him. He definitely touched everyone he met in some way. Rest in Peace Uncle John.

My dad came from China to be with his sister during this time. I haven't yet had a chance to spend any time with him, but hoping I will soon. I am hoping that he brings my aunt with him any time we do end up getting together. I love my auntie and am sad that we don't get a chance to spend very much time with her. It is one of those things, you know? We could spend more time with family, but for some reason, we let our lives get in the way.

Should be another 4 weeks, until I can do the insemination. That is assuming that my cycles will remain the way they had been before the pregnancy. It's just so unknown at this point and that is frustrating.

Just Stuff

Well, I peed on a stick last night because I had this funny feeling that I was ovulating... I really wasn't planning on checking these things this month, I was going to wait until after the first official aunt flo visit. I gave in. I have no will power. LOL... The stick told me, that indeed I am ovulating. (do I know my body or what?). Now, I am tempted to call up the donor and have him over today to do his thing. I should warn him, so he doesn't waste the goods. But again, I feel like I should wait longer just so that my body can go through one normal cycle. I just feel a little unorganized. On the other hand, I feel like 5 weeks (a normal cycle for me) will be a long time to wait to try again. If we do this today, we will know the outcome before the boys get married in 3 weeks. Oh.. the stress of decision making.