Murphy's Law

Of course! After all the trouble interpreting my OPKs I get this tonight....


The test line is clearly darker than the control and my doner is away this month at a retreat! MAN :S


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Friends

Is it me? Or does everyone have those friends that make them crazy? I've been talking to a friend of mine, the same one who witnessed the doner agreement for us for Maizey, about beginning the ttc process all over again. She has three kids and is over 40 but often talks about wanting one more baby. Her husband had a vasectomy. She now thinks that it'll be a great idea to use my doner to have another baby. Although in her mind, no one could ever know that she knows the doner, she would tell "the world" that she an her husband used an anonymous doner to conceive because a vas reversal was too expensive. She would not even tell the child and we all would have to pretend that my child and her child were not half siblings. Ok! Ummm no? Lucky for us, we would have to release our doner to allow for him to make donations to other families. It is stated in our agreement. We would have to provide a good reason not to release him, but I think this would qualify being as we are all actively a part if one another's lives. She seems to have gotten over the idea for the most part, but I still wonder where her thoughts come from. Really? She thinks that would be a good idea?
Anyway.. Kinda got off track.
This is supposed to be one of my best friends. Well every time I talk to her about ttc, I feel sick after. I feel hurt, betrayed an angry. She seems to be so against it. She keeps making reasons why I shouldn't start yet... I know she might not be particularly fond of the new doner, but really? Can't she just be happy for me? I casually texted her this afternoon about helping me come up with a plan for doing inseminations when the in laws are around and she said to me :

"I'm not coming up with any plan your the one who wants to inseminate earlier than later, good luck"

What?! Way to be a supportive and encouraging friend! So I went on to explain that if I wait for them to be in Portugal and after she and I take some of our clients from work to Cuba in December, I will be able to do 1 insemination in the next year. As they will be back from Portugal in January for an undetermined amount if time. And I get this:

"Ya so"

Umm I'm already 36 years old here people, I can't really take a casual approach to this. So I texted her this:

"Ya.. So I'll just not talk to you about it any more because I don't like how it makes me feel... "

No response from her as of yet, but I do know she's at the movies.

I think that part of the reason I'm finding it "hard" to be gay these days is because I don't really have any close lesbian friends. I have no one IRL to relate with.
Siiigggghhhhh


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OPKs

So, I buy my opk sticks off eBay. They're a great price and you don't have to worry about going through a ton each month. The problem is, I have trouble interpreting them. The test line is supposed to be as dark if not darker than the control line. Well you see, the problem I've been having is that often, when I'm showing physical signs of ovulation impending, the test line comes up dark on the side closest to dipping and gradually fades lighter next to the control line. The line is darker and lighter! WTF!!! So, I've decided to purchase the more expensive digital tests that actually smile at you during an LH surge. I will then use my cheapies and then use an expensive digital test when I feel the cheap one is showing a positive.
So complicated these pee sticks.
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Biological clock

It's in overdrive again. I have begun keeping an eye on my fertility signs and will hopefully start to ttc again in October. It will be strange however to have our guy come over and produce a donation and then go ahead and do the deed all the while the in-laws and the gramma in-law are home. Oh geeze! We will have November, December and January (depending on my fertility) with no in-laws... Then back to a full house.
We're also going to hopefully be having a few rennos done at the house. Starting with the kitchen. My wish list may be a little larger than the wallet though. Lol
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Weird coincidence?

I mentioned earlier that I've been having strange emotions surrounding being gay. I haven't really been able to put it into words to explain it. I did talk to a friend who isn't gay about it but she really couldn't understand what I was saying. Just didn't get it. I don't blame her because I didn't really get it either. I mean, it sounded to her like I was questioning my sexuality. I wasn't in any way. I mean, there is no doubt at all that I am so attracted to women and not at all to men. And you know what? That feels good and I'm happy with it. I love women! That's not the issue. The issue seems to be popping up every where. It seems a lot of lesbians are blogging the same issue, and thankfully, I can better understand myself because of it. It's hard to be gay. I'm sure it's easier now than it was before and hopefully in the future it will be just "normal". But right now, in my life, I am finding it hard. People judge based solely on sexual orientation, and that just makes me uncomfortable in my skin. Really, it's none of my business what someone else thinks of me, but still it bothers me. Despite the insight I've gained, I'm still finding it hard to describe where I'm coming from. I would say "I'm not proud" but that's not it either. I mean, I am proud of who I am and what I have and the life I live, but within that pride I envy how much easier it seems for all my women friends with husbands... I mean they don't have to worry about someone assuming they're gay, right? Not usually...
So it's hard. That's the best I got for now.


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Forever coming out

Will I seriously be coming out for the rest of my life?
I've had a substitute manager at work for a while because my actual manager is quite sick and on a medical loa.
Well today my new manager asked me if I'm married. I was caught a little of guard I think. I'm not sure why. It's a perfectly natural question.
I said "sorta, ya"
She laughed and seemed to be looking for a little more explanation of the "sorta".
I said "I'm not legally married, I have a partner, her name is Angela"
Her reaction was comfortingly natural.
I've been having some hmmm... How would I put this... Weird emotions recently. about being gay. I may or may not post further about this at another time... We all know how great I've been at keeping up with the blog.



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